I wasn't planning on posting until my exams were over with but recently a serious incident came to my attention which is the death of an SPM candidate from SMK Raja Abdullah. He had committed suicide immediately after Paper 1 of Additional Mathematics because he was frustrated about being unable to answer the questions. He came from a single parent home and was upset that he would not be able to receive a scholarship and that he would be putting a financial burden on his mother to send him to university.
I heard about this suicide case through Twitter when I was scrolling through the #spm2015 tweets which is basically where the SPM students go to vent their frustrations after every exam. I have heard of many suicide cases like this when I was younger but to be really honest, most of the time, the news just passed through one ear and left out the other. I would think to myself about how sad it was but I was not personally emotionally affected by them.
This time, it was different. I could relate to him. I felt completely hopeless and dejected after that very same paper that he had killed himself over. Right after the Additional Mathematics paper, all the students in my school left the examination hall in a very uncharacteristic silence. Dejected, depressed, frustrated and suicidal. I felt all those emotions during every single one of my exams for SPM but the stress really came to its height after the Add. Maths paper. The questions were so hard and completely different from the years before. I felt like all that hard work doing past year questions were for naught. Questions that had consistently come out every year for SPM suddenly disappeared(Circular Measures).
What, pray tell, was the point of me spending these past two years in the Pure Science stream or even worse, these past 11 years of education? It all came down to this one FINAL exam that would invariably determine whether I can get a scholarship or get into university. It's one thing to not study and do badly but it's another thing when you feel like you've studied so freaking hard and still be completely unable to answer the questions in the middle of the biggest exam of your life so far.
The guy, Hon Ye, was a STRAIGHT A candidate! I cannot even begin to imagine how hard he must have studied for the exam and how much he must have wanted to get straight As for him to have committed suicide. The only thing I understand is how truly frustrated he must have been in the hall, unable to answer the questions, all while contemplating his future, the state of his family finances and thinking about disappointing his school, his mother and ultimately himself.
The thing that brought me to writing this post was a conversation with a close friend of mine who is in a similar position as the boy. She only has her mother and they are in the lower middle class income bracket. Without a scholarship, she would have to take a large PTPN loan to finance her studies in university. It would take many years to pay the loan off. My mother herself went through this. Her family only had enough money to pay for one child to go for university so my mother told my grandmother to keep the money for her younger siblings' education. As the eldest daughter, she took on the burden of taking a loan to further her studies and break out of poverty. She obtained her degree and it took her many years of working day and night to pay back her university loan. The thought that a boy who is the same age as me might have been thinking of all of these things during his SPM brings me to tears.
My friend is also Indian which means just like Hon Ye, she is a part of the minority here in Malaysia. Sad as it may be, the truth here in Malaysia is that if you are a part of the racial minority here in Malaysia it is extremely difficult to obtain a scholarship for your studies compared to if you were Malay/bumiputera. A student from the racial minority like me, my friend or Hon Ye would have to obtain straight As/A+ to be able to compete with a Malay student for the same scholarship. This race based discrimination is especially evident when you look at matriculation, better known as matriks, which has a non-bumiputera quota of 10 percent. Chinese students make up the highest percentage of student suicides here in Malaysia.(Source)
I would like to stress that we should not and must not blame the entire Malay race for this.
This is not a racial issue.
This is a governmental policy issue which needs to be addressed immediately.
For any students reading this, please please please don't kill yourself over SPM. It's a shitty exam and students all over Malaysia are taking it so you can at least have the satisfaction that you aren't alone in your suffering. Trust me. Or don't and just check for yourself by typing in #spm2015 or #spm(whatever year) on Twitter and scroll through the tweets. You don't need an account to just read the tweets. And if that doesn't make you feel better, talk to a family member, friend, or even a stranger through stuff like Befrienders or maybe start an anonymous blog or Twitter to vent your frustrations by writing it out like me.
If that still doesn't help feel free to contact me anytime using the contact box on the right.
I might be slow in replying but I'll try my best to reply as soon as possible.
Helpful links if you are feeling suicidal
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/malaysia-suicide-hotlines.html
http://www.pbs.org/wnet/cryforhelp/episodes/resources/hotlines-and-web-sites-for-teens/?p=11
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